Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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