Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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