I'm jealous of your bromance
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
