Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
