shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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