Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
