Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
this just has baby written all over it
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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