just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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