my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
