I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
