wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
