Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
