I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
