We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
