my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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