She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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