remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
this is an emotional support booty call
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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