Please, let me fuck your mom
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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