omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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