I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
