bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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