The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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