last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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