why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
In other news, I just burned my penis
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Randomize
