i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
