Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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