i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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