i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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