when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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