TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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