My brain says no but my pants say off.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
