Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
