our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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