she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
