Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
