We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The air was thick with penises
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
