I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
