O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
