I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
