I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
