I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
