my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
