he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
