Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
