Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
