i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
