Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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