I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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