I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
