my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
