I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
