just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
