Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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